One Year Without You

February 2nd, 2020 - February 2, 2021. Three hundred and sixty five days without you. For your anniversary, I wanted to write something super special. My journey of learning to live without you, and how big of a hole you've left in our lives. Including that, as recently as today, I sat down on the bed and somehow expected you to jump up with me - you never would get up on the bed until I did, but as soon as I did, you were right there settling in with me. But I can't share that, not yet, maybe never.

So Much for My Happy Ending

It's been six months since Demandred left. Six months since I lost one of my best friends. Six months since a piece of my heart was ripped out, never to be replaced. Five months tomorrow since we lost Da'shain without warning. Five months since another piece of my heart was just gone. Five months since I had to say goodbye to my first dream big dog. I miss my boys, I miss #theBenajminCrew. Not a day goes by that I don't think of them, miss them, cry because my heart has broken so hard and it's still in pieces. 

Chester Bennington March 20th, 1976 - July 20th 2017

....it's the type of news you never expect...comes out of nowhere in the morning and punches you in the face...Have you heard? No, what? Chester Bennington....Linkin Park...he died...no, he didn't only die, he committed suicide...wait, what no way...then searching online, seeking something/anything to tell me it's a horrendous mistake, that it's not true - that it's one of those Jackie Chan died type hoaxes, that everyone got it wrong. Seriously - Chester is always so alive, there's absolutely no way he could be dead, right? Right? And yet...no matter how I wanted to believe it was a mistake, it was all too true. The rest of the day, the rest of the weekend, the rest of the month, the rest of...just numb...

happy birthday, daddy

Happy birthday, Daddy. This is what, your sixty second? The last one you celebrated here with us was your 49th....wow, time flies, doesn't it? It never seems to fly by, but then so soon, too soon, it's May again, and yet another birthday of yours goes by. And in eight short days it'll be thirteen years we've been mourning your loss. Yet, really, it's not mourning your loss so much as remembering you.

Uncle Eric

Eric Raymond Johnson

Born: January 18^th 1965
Died: February 25^th 2015

Putting my fingers to the keys, I’m at first just tapping away without any words forming. I’m not sure I can do this…I've thought about doing this for four days now…ever since that call…that call from my mother that I almost didn't take because it was late, I was tired, and my husband had just gotten home from his long day away and we were still just catching up. But I answered.

Ferguson Burning

Monday, November 24^th my husband and I stayed up entirely too late watching Ferguson burn. We watched reports of which businesses were burning, how many firemen couldn't keep up with how many fires and how many cops were on the streets. We also listened, hoping for more information on why. Not more information on why Ferguson was burning, that I understood, even as I didn't agree with it. More information on why the Grand Jury hadn't indicted Officer Darren Wilson for fatally shooting Michael Brown.

Ten Years

Ten years ago today I never thought, never expected, never once imagined, that I’d be able to look forward instead of backward in time.  Ten years ago today, this evening to be more precise, my world was torn apart.  It had begun long before that moment, but the final strand snapped that night.  In the years since, I've spent every 20^th and 28^th of May pondering how it could have all gone so wrong and wondering despite everything I know, if I could have done something, anything to change the end result, and knowing nothing I did or said would have changed anything at all. 

Burned Out - Burned Up

Burned out...that's a good term for it.  Maybe I flew so high on all of those emotions those years ago and then like Icarus, I burned up that which was holding me up.

a sucker punch + breaking benjamin

It's the little things that catch me by surprise, and they always, always come when I'm so happy that I'm not concentrating on the here and now.  This past Sunday I just wanted to shout out in excitement, share my happiness with the world.  Writing's been taking off, school's been, well and to top it off - guess what - my team made the Superbowl!!!

why i stopped writing

When my dad died, I was 22.  Ruthlessly, I cut the words out of my life.  I stopped writing.  Period.  Words were my way to express emotion and I decided I didn't want to feel anymore, so even though the words came, I forced them back.