a sucker punch + breaking benjamin

It's the little things that catch me by surprise, and they always, always come when I'm so happy that I'm not concentrating on the here and now.  This past Sunday I just wanted to shout out in excitement, share my happiness with the world.  Writing's been taking off, school's been, well and to top it off - guess what - my team made the Superbowl!!!
Okay, for some people that wouldn't be a lot - but I was rather excited about it, especially since it was the team I liked because my dad liked them back when I was a teenager.  My dad and I bonded over basketball as a sport, not football, but that's one of the things I knew he started following the Patriots because Drew Bledsoe was from a Pac10 (at the time) college.  That was something Dad could get behind, and so did I, and I kept behind them.  Naturally, when I got off work this past Sunday - my very first thought out of the door - call my dad to talk about the game...yeah...wow was that a punch in the gut.  It's been almost nine years and I still forgot.

I posted this song to my Facebook wall awhile back, and it's terribly true...this is a stanza from Anthem of the Angels by Breaking Benjamin:

I keep holding onto you
But I can't bring you back to life
Sing the anthem of the angels
And say the last goodbye
***
What scares me the most I think is that it's been nine years - how soon will it be that he's been gone longer than I can keep his memory?  I was barely an adult when he died - and I wasn't "grown up" at all - my big brother would sure tell you that.

So badly do I want to show my dad who I am today - who I have become.  I don't miss him every day like I used to, or even every week or every month.  During the holidays I didn't even have this crushing sense of need.  Maybe the Superbowl was the straw that broke the camel's back because part of my good mood lately is that I might be going back "home" to where I lived with my dad for some years growing up.  Right after dad died we went back to pack up our apartment there and I didn't want to go - for some insane reason, if I didn't go - I could pretend that Dad was fine, he was just "back home" in Europe.  I'd been in the States before with my family in Europe, so it wasn't that much of a stretch....well, except that I was in denial...

Okay, so that was a tangent...since I've tried to analyze my mood right now and the best I've found I can do is acknowledge it, I'll end with some more Breaking Benjamin.  This time from I Will Not Bow (also one of my favorite Rock Band songs to play).

Watch the end through dying eyes
Now the dark is taking over
Show me where forever dies
Take the fall and run to Heaven

All is lost again
But I'm not giving in

I will not bow
I will not break
I will shut the world away
***