On my way home from the hospital a few weeks ago, words were trying to form thoughts, sentences in my mind. It was full dark and my mood was not bright - another family member in the hospital struggling to survive. Is this was my so-called gift thrives on, dark moods? Is this what it takes to bring it back, despairity? I am sure had I sat down to write when I got home that night words would have come, and not stopped, instead I passed out from exhaustion.
These past few weeks have been long and hard. Struggling to keep up with work and school, I dropped blogging/writing altogether. School still suffered, even though I took a day off just to get my emotional equilibrium together, it was just before a close family member of my husband's went into the hospital her final time. Then afterwards the weeks and days of recovery...not wanting to write, not being emotionally capable of writing. Barely even able to study.
This hospital visit and family member's passing dredged up so many of my own memories. My beloved grandmother passing when I was 20, my other grandmother when I was just turned 22, and my father eight months later. Then blessedly, it stopped. Until now. This time I was witness to a family losing someone dear to them, and in the short time time I had known her she had become special to me as well.
Watching the family go through this - I don't want to go through this again. Really, I don't, yet I know inevitably I will. My grandparents may be gone, and my dad, but I still have my mom and multiple aunts and uncles that I care deeply about, and my brothers, etc....too many people to care about, to worry about, to love.
Too many emotions; they burn everything out of me, and leave me but a shell, empty inside when it's all over. Empty, needing to be filled back up, taking years of repair. Do I really want to, can I truly, open myself back up to this? Will I know this time when to stop so I don't get burned out - burned up?
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