Dear Daddy

Dear Dad,

A lot can happen in twelve years, sometimes it seems life slows down as you get older, fewer things happen, but, looking back, that doesn't seem so true.

May, 2003, I was 22 years old, had just (sort of) completed my fourth year of college. Four colleges in three years in three states….wow; that was something. I had also started a cross country road trip with my brother, which I was entirely unprepared for, and ditched a quarter of the way through, after the Jeep broke down in West Virginia. The Cincinnati airport (ironically located in Kentucky) was as far as I made it before I gave up and flew home. I flew home through the graciousness of friends (more like family) who didn't want me to miss seeing my dad one last time before he died.

I made it, by the way, in case you didn't remember. You were pretty out of it by the time I got there. My brother, who took the long way round, made it too. You asked him to explain “this game called basketball” during a game. Which is one reason I’ll always remember that year as the last year the Blazers made the playoffs in over 20 years.  

Friends and family came over for your birthday on the 20^th, you turned 49 that year. David brought us Olive Garden (although that may have been a different day I’m thinking of). In between the time you were in the hospital and the time you came home, Deborah took me to Gorge to hike the Eagle Creek trail to Punch Bowl falls. I love the Gorge, it’s still one of my favorite places, but I can never drive up the Gorge without remembering how guilty I felt for being out there in the fresh open spring air when you were trapped at home in the apartment, and no one knew how long you had left.

That last week you were surrounded by family – had been for months, really. But that last day, only eight short days after your birthday, I think everyone close had come back, and many were still there, holding vigil. I was actually in Julie’s car when you left us, listening to a song she thought might comfort me and we could maybe play at your memorial…I've long forgotten which song it was…I remember walking back into the apartment and somehow all the sad, serious faces were even more sad and serious than before….I’m not sure exactly how I felt at that moment, numb, in shock, in denial, and yet still relieved. You weren't in pain anymore, you had been in so much pain, suffered so much by now you weren't in pain anymore…

But you were my daddy…you’d always been there for me. You were there for me when my car died and I called you in the Czech Republic when I was standing on the sidewalk in Eugene, Oregon. You didn't laugh at me or tell me there was nothing you could do; you gave me advice and got that car going from a continent and an ocean away. Until we went to Czech to pack up the apartment and move everything back to the States, I didn't realize how much denial I’d been in. Apparently – if you weren't at home in Portland, then you must at least be at home in Blankso. Despite being with my mom and brother – that small apartment in Blansko was so empty without you.

So what has happened since May 28^th 2003, nearly twelve years ago? Let’s see...and not in any particular order…

• I got to work for the Portland TrailBlazers for a short period of time, but it was pretty darn awesome! Working for an organization I’d grown up admiring was really cool, and they even treated their employees pretty darn well. Oh, and perk was my brother got to basically be a season ticket holder than year. In fact, I think he only missed one game, when he was out of state for a wedding.
• After that job I bounced around a bit, because, well, we both know I’m not really that great at hard sales…
• My brother went to Portland State for a short while, and worked at UPS for a bit. Then he moved to Maine and then moved up to Spokane and Sandpoint…still getting his feet I think.
• Mom had a cool job doing a lot of coordination with pastors in the US and overseas pastors, something right up her alley. But then, well, old white men got in the way.
• She also got remarried and moved to Sandpoint permanently after a time. But she’s awesome at always coming to help her kids, wherever we are.
• We took a few years to get your headstone, I think partially denial and partially because we wanted it to be perfect. After the first few years I pretty much visited whenever I could – not just to visit a graveyard or talk to you – but really, the trip up the Gorge is calming, peaceful and the view in your cemetery is actually quite amazing, but then you knew that. Plus, I got the bonus of talking with Grandma, too. Well, I know you’re not really there; it’s just words whispered, really. And, like I said, calming.
• Your niece, J1, got married. She married J, whom you never got the chance to meet. He’s a great guy; your son likes to call him “Johnny English”. He’s a good guy. They have two children now, E and C and they’re just such amazing kids, and I miss them a lot (more on that later).
• S married D – your brother Mark liked to call her an “alien” because of the space suit she wore for work. They too, have two children, a boy and a girl. A and L.
• After bouncing around, I got a new job, one I actually had thought not to keep very long, but, well, it’s complicated. I got that job back in 2006 – wow; that means I've had that job nearly 9 years now. It’s had its ups and downs…
• I met someone there, someone very special. We got married in 2008. My brother walked me down the aisle to the Billy Joel song – Just the Way You Are…I’m sure you would have cringed at some of my nontraditional choices, but really, it was mostly traditional. Uncle Phil married us, Uncle Mark sang for us, both of them – all of us – missed you desperately.
• I already knew I was marrying the right person, but when he suggested we get married in the Gorge, because he knew how special the place was to me – it was cemented. Then, after our wedding, on the way to our honeymoon cabin, he stopped by the cemetery so we could pay you a visit. My wedding day was one of the best of my life and also one of the most difficult. That stop, kind of brought it around in a circle. It was the start of being able to say goodbye. Also – we noticed someone else had taken advantage of the proximity and paid you a visit as well, leaving our wedding invitation in memory.
• Oh, and I always almost forget to mention this, because I don’t remember it as well, but hey, not even four months after I got married, I almost died. Yeah, I was 27, but apparently I have mom’s (and grandma’s) blood thickness problems. But, instead of getting the clots in my legs like normal person, I got them in my brain. I knew I had an amazing brother, but he drove me to the doctor out in Troutdale during the start of a snow storm. Your brother – oh yeah – who we happened to live only two blocks away from (which was so cool), drove me to the hospital in the storm (and home again). My mother and her husband drove from Sandpoint, during probably the worst snow storm, well, in at least forever, through mountain passes to get there, right before I was admitted (yeah, I went to the doctor’s once and the hospital twice before my real doctor actually sent me to get an MRI and then admitted). Oh, and I was at OHSU, so now we both have fond memories of that place. I actually feel more sorry for Mom, having to sit in that same hospital worried about yet another family member. I don’t particularly remember much about my time there, but I know even during an amazingly horrible snow storm in Portland, everyone drove up that hill to visit.
• My brother moved back to Portland (remember I said not in any particular order, right?). We shared an apartment for a little while before I got married. I’d missed my little brother. He got married, too. Kinda crazy the way it happened, but he was married on a Father’s Day weekend. He has two little girls now, adorable kids, still babies. Isabella and Lilianna Mom’s loving being a grandma. He moved to Seattle mere months after he got married. Then he moved down to Phoenix, I was so excited to be in the same state as my brother again! Oh – yeah, I haven’t mentioned that yet.
• My husband and I moved to Arizona, about a year and a half ago…he graduated from undergrad at Portland State and wanted to go to law school. I told him I wanted to move somewhere warm. I’d always wanted to move back to Florida, but after a random trip here to Arizona, told him Arizona would also do. After more than a lot of thought, he decided to accept his scholarships at the University of Arizona and here we are. And I love it. It’s not perfect, and I miss the Gorge like nothing else – I think I miss it more than I miss the Oregon Coast – but it’s sunshine, and I bask in that warmth.
• D got married too, and S. I really like both of their spouses, and I know you would too. Debbie had an outdoor wedding in Oregon in October (I think that’s the month it was). You’d have liked Scott’s wedding, even as nontraditional as it was, because it was just true to both of their personalities. Same for Debbie’s outdoor wedding, really.
• N and K both graduated high school and then college. Wow – that itself just makes me see how much time has gone by.
• J and D have their dream  house – you’d love it. It’s got a log cabin type feel to it and the yard is so expansive; green and pretty. And in the middle of the city (well, suburbs really).
• D, he has a kid, can you imagine? And his kid is just so wonderfully innocent and young and cute and adorable. And D? He’s pretty much everything you knew he’d be in a dad, and probably more. And he loves that kid like there’s nothing else in the world. It makes my heart happy to see him with his kid, I wish you were here to tell him how proud you are of him, because I know it's true.
• The Blazers had a first round first pick of the draft a few years ago….I’m kinda glad you didn't have to see that. It basically worked as well as our last one didn't. BUT – we got to see Brandon Roy bring basketball back to Portland. It was heartbreaking, really, tragic how his career ended too soon. Yet – we now have Damian Lillard to bring some freshness to the game in Portland.
• The Patriots won the Superbowl, again. Man, how I wish you were here to talk with about everything that’s happened with that team. I would love to hear your impartial no rushing to judgment thoughts on everything. I feel like I’m drowning sometimes  because there are so many things I’d love your wisdom on, not someone else, but you. You’re the one I called after every old testament class, to find out what you felt about it and you’d give me your opinion after asking me my thoughts and still tell me “but I could be wrong” unless it was something you really were unequivocally right about.
• Your 9ers got to Superbowl a couple years ago. That made the kid and S wonderfully happy. Unfortunately, the 9ers lost. Their future isn't looking rather bleak, but we’ll see.
• Oh – and I really, really want to know what you would have said if the Patriots would have won the Superbowl to end their perfect season, since, well, you used to say after a loss “You can’t win ‘em all.” I would have said – “look, Dad, guess you can win them all!” But. They lost, so you’re safe for now.
• My brother moved to Texas from Phoenix. I got him in the same state for just over a year. But hey, I guess at least it was a fun year. I got to see him a ton more than I had in the few years previous. And we got to spend one final Christmas week together. It was like it was when we were kids all over again. Baking, cooking, watching Christmas movies and decorating sugar cookies and gingerbread men. We made many memories.
• We got together on the 10^th anniversary, went to the coast for the weekend. Your family of three survivors, and spouses (and grandchild). It was a really difficult weekend, but a good one. We shared so many, many memories of family; of you and grandma and even grandpa. We woke up early to walk the beach, and watched the sunset from the hot tub. Shared memories, and created memories.
• With all these smart phones around, and not just large screen, but large HD TVs, but huge advances with computers, I know you’d be so excited. Whenever mom or I watch a game together we always talk about how we can’t understand/remember how you used to watch the games on such “small” and out of focus TVs. Crazy, right?
• Oh, and did I mention - my husband and I have three dogs; Darek, Da'shain and Dred (bichon, standard poodle, with whom you'd love to play fetch, and doberman). Oh, Mystery, our cat. Maybe we have so many animals because it so far it seems like we can't have kids...or at least I can't.
• My husband and I often get into philosophical discussions and I always really wish you were here. Maybe the sports stuff and technology stuff don’t really matter in the end, so it’s fun to think about you being here or talking with you about it, but it’s not important. However, what we think, what we believe, always matters. It’s like I wanna say, here I am, I’m an adult now, let’s talk about these things now when I can comprehend even more.

There are so many other things that have happened in the past nearly twelve years that you've been gone. Your middle brother’s retired now, your other nephew got married too…your oldest brother got to go to Israel (hey, my husband’s going too, in March). Too many things to fit in here, little details that sometimes seem so insignificant until I realize, oh, that happened after you were gone.

But what has not changed, and will never change is that we miss you. We all miss you. Whether it’s the day after, the year after, five years, ten years, twelve years, or twenty. We still miss you and always love you.

Love,

Your Favorite Daughter