Later, when the pain started spreading past the three days - to other parts of the month - and the pain pills weren't even masking the pain anymore, I knew it was past time to see the doctor.
A couple months, and one disappointing surgery later, and the pain is still a companion of mine. Not only that, but it has gotten worse. It is so pervasive and invasive - it invades my body, making me feel like I have no control. Internal pain is not like a cut or a scrape, it's not something I can look at and know will heal in a matter of time. It's not back pain or muscle pain where I can just wait it out or stretch it out, or maybe just not use it for awhile. Most days I'm fine, or 90% of the days I'm "okay", but I never know when the pain is going to hit - and then just dissipate as if it never was.
After dealing with surges/spikes of pain for about two weeks - then it's the real deal. Suddenly I'm in agony for three days. Sure and I know about what day it will start, but never the time. Sunday, it started at work, out of nowhere, turmoil and agony in spades, spiking inside of me. By the time I was able to make it home after work, I was in tears, and not even because of the pain - my Sunday afternoon plans were in shambles. That night, despite my own dread of pain killers, and usual refusal to take them even when I should, I took too many, and even so they only masked the slight edge of the pain, and exhaustion finally let me drift away about when I should have been starting work for the day.
Between the two weeks of random pain, the three days of excruciating pain and the week I have afterwards to recover from it all, I am slowly losing my sanity. The surgery was a disappointment and misleading going into it and now the doctor wants to put me on a medication with some pretty serious side effects. I'm currently in the process of getting an expert opinion that will take my unique circumstances into account. Even so, I am bound to go through this cycle at least twice more.
The only things that have kept me slightly sane during this time have been relationships. Two of my friends, one of whom knows a lot of the details,are awesome at just hanging out with and getting out with and are flat amazingly awesome at distraction, mostly without even realizing it. I'm not quite sure what I would have done without having had so much to look forward to these past weeks with them. Another friend is one whom suggested the expert second opinion to me. My Russian teacher, whom I feel I am disappointing terribly lately, but she has even told me that everything else is secondary; my health is more important than anything. And my husband; the the honors student who skipped a day of classes because he was so worried about me - without him, I wouldn't begin to have the strength to face the next go around, or the next...
Also, every time I think I'm about to let go of my sanity, that it's going to be fractured beyond repair this time, I think of a person I couldn't stand disappointing. Z kept helped me keep my sanity intact fourteen years ago and watched out for me through some of the roughest years of my life - how could I let him down now? And so, I keep hanging in there, my my fingernails sometimes, but still here and still fighting. Lately, all it's taken is memories of those late night calls to Z to bring me down from the edge. And knowing that if I called him now I couldn't keep the tears from my voice and he'd want to know what was wrong, and how could I possibly begin to explain? It's enough that I know I could call if I needed to, and I probably will, soon, I do miss him after all, just not quite yet. He's the most intelligent person I know, I'd like to have an intelligent conversation with him, not a desperate one.
Next week the random pain is going to start again, and then the end of the month I'll be in agony. I'll be in agony likely over Christmas as well. But in during the in-between times I have things to look forward to. Time with family, awesome game nights with friends, RockBand nights, dinner with my Russian teacher, a night at the beach; it's not all bad, I have to remember that or my sanity will fracture.
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