One Year Without You

February 2nd, 2020 - February 2, 2021. Three hundred and sixty five days without you. For your anniversary, I wanted to write something super special. My journey of learning to live without you, and how big of a hole you've left in our lives. Including that, as recently as today, I sat down on the bed and somehow expected you to jump up with me - you never would get up on the bed until I did, but as soon as I did, you were right there settling in with me. But I can't share that, not yet, maybe never.

2020 Over/2021 - The Ending Has Not Yet Been Written

However much it was a kick in the face to read my decade wrap up for 2010-2020 and at the end see – “2020 - I am beyond excited about everything that's coming up ❤”, ironically while my life did change in 2020, for me, not much of it was due to COVID. For me it’s not possible to just “think of the positives” because it’s about balance for me – I have to also reflect on the hard stuff too.  

So Much for My Happy Ending

It's been six months since Demandred left. Six months since I lost one of my best friends. Six months since a piece of my heart was ripped out, never to be replaced. Five months tomorrow since we lost Da'shain without warning. Five months since another piece of my heart was just gone. Five months since I had to say goodbye to my first dream big dog. I miss my boys, I miss #theBenajminCrew. Not a day goes by that I don't think of them, miss them, cry because my heart has broken so hard and it's still in pieces. 

Chester Bennington March 20th, 1976 - July 20th 2017

....it's the type of news you never expect...comes out of nowhere in the morning and punches you in the face...Have you heard? No, what? Chester Bennington....Linkin Park...he died...no, he didn't only die, he committed suicide...wait, what no way...then searching online, seeking something/anything to tell me it's a horrendous mistake, that it's not true - that it's one of those Jackie Chan died type hoaxes, that everyone got it wrong. Seriously - Chester is always so alive, there's absolutely no way he could be dead, right? Right? And yet...no matter how I wanted to believe it was a mistake, it was all too true. The rest of the day, the rest of the weekend, the rest of the month, the rest of...just numb...

happy birthday, daddy

Happy birthday, Daddy. This is what, your sixty second? The last one you celebrated here with us was your 49th....wow, time flies, doesn't it? It never seems to fly by, but then so soon, too soon, it's May again, and yet another birthday of yours goes by. And in eight short days it'll be thirteen years we've been mourning your loss. Yet, really, it's not mourning your loss so much as remembering you.

Fosters in Rescue

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Sometimes it seems as if  ​my husband and I​ have been involved in rescue forever. From fostering dogs, running to ​a shelter for a dog evaluation, picking up owner surrenders, photographing foster dogs for the website, helping ​organize fundraisers like our annual calendar, ​attending our events to promote the rescue…​it has become such a large part of our life that​ often​ I forget it hasn’t always been so. Then a quick email exchange happens that reminds me of my first times…

Expectations vs Reality

Many women get knocked for growing up wanting to be a stay at home mom. Me – I never wanted to be a stay at home mom, but I don’t knock them – someone has to stay at home and ring in the new generation. What I did want - not just want, but what I did expect - is that someday I would be a mother.

Flying a Flag

To: My friends who aren't American or really don’t understand the American government and some things that I believe set America apart from the rest of the world and also make it the oldest continuous government in the world.

Uncle Eric

Eric Raymond Johnson

Born: January 18^th 1965
Died: February 25^th 2015

Putting my fingers to the keys, I’m at first just tapping away without any words forming. I’m not sure I can do this…I've thought about doing this for four days now…ever since that call…that call from my mother that I almost didn't take because it was late, I was tired, and my husband had just gotten home from his long day away and we were still just catching up. But I answered.

Best Friends Part V

This is where the multi-dog household really comes in. It wasn't until we had four dogs in the house that I really began to understand this. At first, with my boys and Hershey, it was all fine. Dare and Da’shain are so chill with other dogs, that I didn't realize that Hershey, well, she doesn't quite understand dog manners, like the “leave me alone, I don’t wanna play with you” cues. And Cash, well….he was a touchy little guy….still is, sometimes.

Dear Daddy

Dear Dad,

A lot can happen in twelve years, sometimes it seems life slows down as you get older, fewer things happen, but, looking back, that doesn't seem so true.

Ferguson Burning

Monday, November 24^th my husband and I stayed up entirely too late watching Ferguson burn. We watched reports of which businesses were burning, how many firemen couldn't keep up with how many fires and how many cops were on the streets. We also listened, hoping for more information on why. Not more information on why Ferguson was burning, that I understood, even as I didn't agree with it. More information on why the Grand Jury hadn't indicted Officer Darren Wilson for fatally shooting Michael Brown.

NaNo T-Minus 2 Days

The past few days leading up to NaNo have been spent trying to flesh out my story (without actually writing about it). A LOT more difficult than it sounds. What am I supposed to do, just write it all in my head and then come back and put it “on paper” in a week (now three days?). Doesn’t fly, or at least not well. And now that I’m in the mood to write, it’s like the words just won’t stop. I've yet to decide if that’s actually good.

Rescue Volunteering

As I prepare for bed tonight I realize that this will be our last night with our latest foster, Dio. Dio marks the sixth foster dog we've had, the fourth that we've seen through to adoption (we adopted our second foster and another just didn't work out). While I am so happy to be able to foster these amazing dogs I’m also left with the fact that it breaks my heart to see them go.

NaNoWriMo and Me

Franz Kafka stayed here between 1916 and 1917. 

Despite identifying myself as a writer since….basically I could put pen to paper, I first heard (or is it paid attention to?) nanowrimo (National Novel Writing Month) about a month ago. The idea is basically to take the whole month of November and just write, the goal being a 50,000 minimum word novel. There are many polarizing opinions out there on if nanowrimo actually does any good, because if you’re rushing to write a minimum 50,000 word novel in just one month, what kind of cohesive story actually comes from that? Then again, the nanowrimo organization does suggest this is just the first draft, and the intent is to not make it perfect, but to finish it, something many, many aspiring writers fail to do (myself included). For the first time in my life I’m going to start writing with the intent of ending the project, not just writing a paragraph here or there when I feel like it or I’m bored and want to get out of my world for a bit.

Best Friend Part IV

I’m sitting here tapping the keys on the keyboard still, trying to figure out how segue into this next part. You know we brought home our first foster, it was at the end of my last post. Well, her name was Hershey and she changed our lives forever.

Neighborhood and Facebook Controversy

From Oregon, moved to Arizona. Back in Oregon we don't have many Homeowners Associations, there are a few, but you have to go looking for them. Not be lucky to purchase a house without one, like you are in Arizona (or so it seems). We bought a brand new house down here in a little development in Arizona. There's literally nothing off of our exit except one dirty bar, a church, a ramshackle post office, a handful of other homes that were here before the development, and our neighborhood. Oh, and a cattle farm up the street a ways.

Best Friend Part III

Da'shain (poodle) running with Hershey (Doberman)

The next chapter of this story is actually a little different and has so many different parts; I’m not sure where to start. There is really no beginning to it, and no end either...I’ll try at least to start at the beginning of the idea…

Family

  Family is on my mind tonight...especially the fact that I am so blessed to have a family both born and chosen and fallen into a family who I know, not just from believing in my heart, but having experienced it, will be there for me during anything. My dad’s family has been there for me my entire life, both of my dad's brothers’ family's, each and every member has been there for us in one way or another. My mother’s family embraced us all the way from California, Arizona and wherever my mom’s sister was (Aunt J, I can’t name all of the states J)

Best Friend Part II

Before moving on into the multi-dog world, let me just quickly say again, Dare is my best friend, my first love when it comes to dogs. Dare has been in my life the majority of my post-dad years. He’s been up to White Salmon (where my dad’s buried) almost as much as I have. When I was lying almost comatose in my bed with no heat, in the middle of a snowstorm, Dare, with Dazzle, was by my side (of course; that could be a puppy pile for extra heat). For every major (and even minor) decision I’ve ever made, Dare has been there for me to hold. Before we moved to Arizona, instead of packing, Dare and I would lie in bed on our backs, him snuggled up against me, my arm around him. We still do, on occasion, but after almost a year in Arizona, I think we’re both a bit more settled.